


what's borrowed and left behind

by penink



Series: Mexican Funeral T-Shirt [2]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Rated teen and up for language, Recovery, This is an unofficial sequel to my mexican funeral shirt fic, at least, brotzly if you squint - Freeform, for the plot ok, kind of, maybe todd is too sappy in this to be in character but I do not care, ok we are IGNORING that we saw Dirk in a tanktop in s2, you can't stop me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penink/pseuds/penink
Summary: Having survived Wendimoor, Dirk and Todd do their best to settle in as Farah remains in hospital.  Things are uncovered and hard conversations are started and left unfinished.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently
Series: Mexican Funeral T-Shirt [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017817
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	what's borrowed and left behind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ephemeral_motif](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeral_motif/gifts).



> dedicated to ephemeral_motif who showed some interest in a follow-up <3

Farah would recover. The days that followed their return from Wendimoor were stressful at best, but Farah, Hobbs, and Tina had each survived their injuries. It was all they could hope for.

Farah had insisted they settle in at a motel, her room at the hospital definitely not equipped for the three of them. Hobbs had offered his own house, as long as they agreed to take care of Mustard for him. They had been quick to agree. Dirk, on his own crutches, fell face first onto the couch the moment they returned. 

“Ow…” 

“Maybe you should be more careful,” Todd sat beside him, wincing, a hand going to his cracked ribs. The past days had not been easy on any of them. He couldn’t believe it had only been a matter of days, it felt like weeks. 

“Oh yes, Todd. I got shot in the _leg_ , but I should be cautious about falling on a bed,” Dirk rolled over, pushing his hair back. He sighed. There was a weight to that. “I haven’t slept somewhere this cozy in months.” 

Todd looked to Dirk’s makeshift setup on the floor with some doubt. He didn’t comment on it. “I’m just ready to go home.” Todd frowned. “I guess I don’t have an apartment anymore. Shit… technically I’m homeless.” 

“There’s nothing _technical_ about it, Todd. You _are_ homeless. I doubt even Farah kept up with rent past few months,” Dirk scoffed. He paused, thinking hard. “How… how long was I gone?” 

“Uh. A few months. I can’t tell you exactly. But a few months.” Todd knew he was being evasive. 

“Hm. I haven’t really…” Dirk trailed off. He was always a wave of chatter. This quiet was new for him. Todd could only think of Dirk being quiet when he was upset. Then again, he had plenty to be upset about. “I haven’t had the time to think about it.” He sat up, looking to Todd with far too much intensity. “You and Farah. All that time– you were _looking_ for me?” 

“Y-Yeah,” Todd stared back with wide eyes. “What did you think we were doing?” 

“Well, I thought– I _hoped_ you two would come and, well, it sounds so childish now, but I had hoped you would come and rescue me,” Dirk seemed a little embarrassed by the thought. “But… honestly I am surprised that you actually _were_ looking for me. You could’ve gone back to your lives. You didn’t need to find me.” 

“What are you talking about?” Todd said testily. “The CIA was after us too.” 

“Yes, _because_ you went poking your nose in things. I suppose they might’ve just killed you to clean up everything, but I don’t see why after you two ran away you didn’t just… I don’t know, flee to Canada or something,” Dirk still seemed to be trying to puzzle something out. 

“I’ve got no clue how to flee to Canada…” Todd muttered. Rather than continue to deal with Dirk’s piercing gaze he went to his bag, rummaging for his toothbrush. 

“Yes, but Farah would. She did something far more complicated for Lydia. But… you didn’t.” 

“No, Dirk. We didn’t flee to Canada,” Todd sighed exasperatedly. “I can’t believe…” 

“Can’t believe what?” 

Todd stopped, tossing his bag back to the floor, his hands gesturing vaguely, “that– I can’t believe that you think we’d _actually_ just leave you there! Like that’s even an _option…_ ” 

“Ah. Right, then,” Dirk stood, hands fidgeting at his side, he staggered, remembering he was on crutches at the last second. His voice sounded shakier. He coughed loudly, returning to his usual jaunty tone. “It’s quite late now. I know _I’m_ tired. So.” Dirk rummaged through his own clothes, which weren’t really his, all of them taken from the sheriff’s station. Everything from Blackwing had been abandoned at first opportunity. 

Todd nodded his silent agreement, grateful to change out of his clothes which smelled like the hospital. It reminded him of Amanda. Of the worst days with her. Todd grimaced, his chest a mess of mottled bruises and red burnt skin. He had been so close to dying horribly, if Dirk hadn’t shown up when he did. Todd, by virtue of thinking of Dirk, glanced to him. He did a double take. Dirk was also a mess of bruises. It made sense, in theory. Dirk had been thrown around plenty in the past days. The problem was a lot of them were old. _Really_ old. Their varying shades of development made the damage appear far too common. Todd knew he was staring now but how could he _not?_ The oldest were barely noticeable, patches of yellower skin, others that were fresher red and purple. Those were likely from Wendimoor. The swaths of green and brown however… 

“ _Todd,_ ” Dirk, hastily putting a shirt on, chastised him lightly for his staring. “Can I _help_ you with something?” He teased. 

Todd had no interest in being so good humored. “You look like hell.” 

“Well spotted. You, on the other hand are a beacon of health,” he nodded with a raised eyebrow to Todd’s own damaged skin. “And obviously Farah is fit as a fiddle, gunshots and all–” 

“I mean the _old_ ones,” Todd cut him off, knowing he was still being vague. “Like…” 

“And you’re bringing this up, why..?” 

“Christ, Dirk– ‘Cause it’s freaky to look at.” 

“Then don’t look,” Dirk grew colder. It was the strangest thing. Even now, away from danger, Dirk was just _different._ Something deeply rooted inside of him had changed over the past months and it unsettled Todd more than anything. 

“I– I didn’t mean it like that,” Todd muttered. 

An uncomfortable silence. Dirk, still looking far too severe, continued getting ready for bed. Todd just stood there. Eventually he moved on. They didn’t look at each other, bruises or not. 

“Hello, love,” Dirk broke the silence by scooping up Hobbs’ fat orange tabby who was purring and wriggling in his arms immediately. “I’m afraid the sheriff won’t be home for a little while, but until then, we’ve got you. Hope that suffices for now.” Even as Dirk said this, he struggled to keep steady, finding it difficult to lean on his crutches and hold the cat. Todd, without a word, stepped up and took the cat from his arms. Dirk looked as if he wanted to say something but thought better of it. 

“I’ll feed him. You can’t walk,” Todd muttered, heading into Hobbs’ cluttered kitchen. He was seriously regretting bringing it up, but Dirk worried him. And now he had _time_ to worry properly and not be preoccupied with Wendimoor nonsense. The cat fed and happy, Todd returned to the living room. The sheriff had offered one of them the bed, but they had argued too much over who would take the couch, both of them insisting it should be them. Todd had only won insofar as the guy on crutches would take the couch and he could take the floor. 

Dirk, still deliberately refusing to look at Todd, moved to turn off the light. Todd, overcome by an impulse he couldn’t pin down, moved to stop him. Dirk merely stared. 

“A lot of those are old,” was how Todd began. “Was… was it that bad?” 

Dirk almost seemed to flinch back, going to the couch and very clearly avoiding eye contact. “Do you want me to tell you it was a vacation? You’re being ridiculous, Todd.” He was so _cold._ A bitterness so unlike him. All it did was remind Todd that something was very wrong. 

“If you don’t want to talk about it, fine,” Todd couldn’t help but snap back. “But don’t get pissed at me for fucking worrying about you.” Todd turned away, intending to avoid Dirk for the rest of the night if he was so dead set on being harsh. 

“ _Worried?_ ” Dirk almost said it under his breath. Enough so that Todd wasn’t even sure if Dirk was trying to actually talk to him. A pause, Todd thinking Dirk was finished with the conversation, until Dirk continued. “Why would you ask about something like this?” 

“ _Why?_ ” Todd sat beside him. Dirk nodded sharply, staring at him with that same intent gaze. “I’m not pressuring you to talk about it, Dirk. I just thought… you know… I thought I could at least offer to listen. _You’re_ the one who didn’t want to.” 

“Just… to listen?” Dirk frowned. His intent caution was a bad sign. That kind of caution existed for a _reason_. 

“Yeah. We don’t need to talk about it, I just…” Todd didn’t know how to explain it. “I don’t know. Why else would I bring it up?” 

“I… I don’t know,” Dirk seemed to be struggling with something internally. “You really want to hear about it? About Blackwing?” 

“I mean… I want to help _you._ And if listening is how I do that, I’m okay with it,” Todd spoke slowly, deliberately. He wasn’t _good_ at this stuff, at the emotional conversations, but he was trying. That had to count for something. 

“What… what am I supposed to talk about?” Dirk tucked his uninjured leg into his chest, resting his head on his knee, looking gloomy. It was so strange how he had shifted since the case ended. More at peace, sure, but also quieter. Or at least the quiet felt louder to Todd. Dirk froze up plenty during the case for more reasons than one, but that would always end in eventual progress, even if Todd had to try and pull him away from his anxiety first. Dirk continued, like he was trying to force some certainty into his words. “It isn’t as bad as it looks. Honestly. The past few days have just made it worse, that’s all.” 

“You had all those bruises. On your arm and your chest…” 

“There weren’t that many,” Dirk said intently. “It wasn’t so much violence as it was getting pushed around. Mind you, pushed around a _lot..._ ” 

“Enough to bruise?” Todd had a bitter taste in his mouth. Every word made his stomach twist into knots. 

“I was, ah, well, I was a little more unruly in that last week and they never responded kindly to that. If I’d just gone along with things they wouldn’t have felt the need to be so _rough_.” Dirk rubbed his arm, wincing at the memories. 

“You say that like it’s your responsibility to make them _not_ hurt you. You realize how crazy that sounds, right?” Todd did his best not to sound so accusing. He didn’t want Dirk accepting any of this as his fault. 

“Mhm. I didn’t mean it like that. More like… I should’ve known better, I suppose,” Dirk scoffed at his own explanation. “That doesn’t sound any better, I know, but I knew the rules and I knew how to survive it but sometimes… sometimes I just _pushed_ back to prove I could…” 

“God…” Todd shook his head. Dirk stared at him cautiously, as if still expecting judgement. Those eyes, usually so bright and earnest, – yes, sometimes guarded, but always _accepting_ of whatever came next… Caution didn’t suit Dirk. Not that Todd could blame him. “When I said you were stupid brave, I meant it. More the brave part, but the stupid too.” Dirk chuckled at that, not quite a proper laugh, but something. 

“It was a long few months, Todd,” Dirk spoke so quietly. Todd _hated_ it. His Dirk was meant to be loud and rambling and too confident. 

“Yeah, it really was,” Todd sighed. “Farah and me, we were okay some of the time, but know we were always thinking of you. The next step, how you were doing… we didn’t focus on what Blackwing was like when we could help it, but you were always there.” 

Dirk smiled softly. “I tried to hold onto you. Both of you. For as long as I could but…” Dirk sighed shakily. “It was _hard._ From day one it was so hard…” Todd remained silent, waiting for him to continue, all of his focus on Dirk. It was hard to tell if that encouraged Dirk or made him pause. “Sixteen years of progress down the drain…” 

“You really think that?” Todd asked. 

“Maybe not forever. But for now… things don’t feel very different. The fear is still there. Maybe I blamed it on the case before, but… it’s not just the case, is it?” 

“No. It probably isn’t,” Todd knew it was rhetorical. He answered anyway. “But… we can get back to the way we were. Or the way we were supposed to be, I guess. I know we never really had the chance to…” Todd didn’t know what. Start the agency? Actually be together and have some peace for a change? 

“You’ve changed,” Dirk exhaled softly. “You took the first step. On the last case, when you… when you came back for me. But… you’re different now to who you were before… before I was taken.” 

“Yeah… it was a weird few months,” Todd shrugged, staring off into space. “More so for you than me. Still… during that case, the beginning of all this, I lost everything. Don’t think I blame you for that, but I did. Lost my job, lost my apartment, lost Amanda… Took her knocking some sense into me to remind me that you were all I had left. You and Farah, the agency. And then I lost you too. And I got the pararibulitis, but that… that felt fitting, almost. Like, this might as well happen. Maybe I’ve realized you were the best thing to happen to me in who knows how long, but I should’ve realized sooner.” Todd looked to Dirk, seeing him wiping his eyes quickly. “Shit– Sorry, Dirk I wasn’t trying to make you upset or–” 

“Oh, shut up, will you?” Dirk sniffed, laughing weakly. “You’re a sap, Todd Brotzman.” 

“Am I?” Todd raised an eyebrow. “Okay, maybe I am. Don’t know how to give an apology for shit, though. Was gonna get you from the hospital and I was all flustered over what to say to you and I settled on bringing you a fucking band tee ‘cause I knew your shirt was all bloody…” Todd shook his head. “Ridiculous…” 

Dirk grew more serious now, that coldness returning. It was like Todd could see him putting up walls. 

“Dirk?” 

“It’s stupid,” he muttered. 

“What?” 

“It should’ve been inconsequential, but it was like, I don’t know, it was how I manifested my… grief, or loneliness or whatever it was when I was back in Blackwing. Or… or it was my coping mechanism and losing that…” 

“Dirk, _what?_ ” 

“I lost that fucking t-shirt,” Dirk spoke vehemently. Todd hadn’t expected that kind of anger from him. “It was all I had and they took it away from me. It’s– It’s _pathetic._ That I was so desperate for something that I got attached to the smell of your apartment… Them taking it away– It wasn’t clinical. Or if it was it didn’t _feel_ clinical. It felt cruel. They _were_ cruel. Especially when I was still refusing to play along. That didn’t last long… not with…” Dirk bit his lip. He looked far away, lost in thought. 

Todd was at a loss. He knew it was worthless in offering his friend any actual comfort, but he had to say something. “I can… I can get you another shirt. When we get back to Seattle, I can–” 

Dirk laughed harshly. “That’s a nice thought, Todd. But we both know it wasn’t about the shirt.” 

“Yeah. I know.” 

Dirk’s eyebrows furrowed together. “It was like I was barely holding on and that was just the thing that pushed me over the edge. I… I was hysterical. Kind of? I don’t know. I don’t like knowing that I can get like that. Like… like I blacked out or something. Didn’t even notice I was hurting myself, I just wanted _out._ I… I still don’t really remember it well,” he frowned. “But I do remember what came after…” 

As the silence continued, Todd spoke up. “Dirk, you don't have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” 

“I’m torn,” Dirk sighed. “I feel like I should but it’s like the words just won’t come out like they get caught in my throat and if I try and explain I’ll choke but it makes me feel sick either way and there’s nothing I can _do_ except talk about it and I can’t even do that–” 

“ _Dirk._ ” Todd spoke louder, a hand going to Dirk’s shoulder. “Please, just– Breathe.” 

Dirk laughed sharply, “well, since you asked nicely.” Still, he calmed enough to take a few deep breaths. “I… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet.” 

“Okay,” Todd had felt sick since this conversation began and that sickness was curdling into anger. He couldn’t sit still, pacing Hobbs’ living room instead, Mustard watching him move in mild curiosity. “I can’t believe they’re gonna fucking get away with this. They’re the ones who’re supposed to _help_ people. What can we do, report them to the UN?! It’s infuriating. They’re still out there, how is that _fair?_ I just wish they had some consequences…” 

Dirk was somewhere between endeared and unsettled by Todd’s anger. “Well, Friedkin’s dead, so,” Dirk seemed to choke on the words, almost laughing and almost crying. “S-Someone paid for it!” 

“Dirk…” Yet again Todd had no idea what to say. 

“I… I lost your shirt,” Dirk was properly crying now and it definitely wasn’t just over a shirt. “It was a _gift._ A gift from you, my first actual friend, and they stole it from me at first opportunity and some horrible part of my brain is telling me I should be grateful it wasn’t worse. They could’ve literally torn it off of me instead of politely waiting for me to take it off… it’s not like they were needlessly violent. Only when I fought back, really… and when I went along with what they wanted I was in a room with a bed… I was fed most of the time... I know the rowdy 3 weren’t so lucky.” 

“You don’t need to compare or belittle what happened to you just because it wasn’t worse,” Todd said firmly. Farah had said the same thing to him months ago, when Todd had resented his pararibulitis attacks because he knew Dirk was suffering more. At least Todd could breathe free air, at least he hadn’t been alone… 

Dirk made an attempt at a smile. It didn’t really work. “Thank you, Todd.” 

“Uh. For what?” 

Dirk gave him a look like he was being stupid on purpose. “You didn’t give up on me. I… kept telling myself you and Farah would come rescue me… dreamed about it,” he scoffed like it was a frivolous idea. He went quiet for a moment and Todd knew this wasn’t the kind of silence he could fill. “And then… and then I didn’t think you were coming for me. Or at least I thought you’d never find me… I remember not even being hit with it, or maybe I was hit with it and that constant _weight_ in my chest was just Blackwing, but I remember waking up one day and just thinking… I am never getting out of here. I think… I think that’s why I snapped. This was during the last week, you see. I think once that hit me I had to fight back one last time. Shouted at Friedkin like it would make any difference… banged my fists against the window until they dragged me away…” 

He said it all so casually and Todd felt like his stomach was full of lead. 

When Todd next spoke he surprised even himself. “You know Farah and I love you, right?” Dirk froze, like Todd’s words just wouldn’t compute. “I think… I think you’re my best friend. Part of me thought if we found you we’d find Amanda… but that was a longshot. I just knew I wanted to find _you._ So…” 

Rather than warm, Dirk seemed tired. He kept his eyes locked on the ground, hands wringing in his lap. “This… this isn’t pity, right?” 

“ _Pity?_ ” Todd scoffed. “Months on the road trying to find you isn’t _pity_ , Dirk.” 

That Dirk found easier to take to heart. “Then I meant it. Thank you, truly. This would’ve been a lot harder if you and Farah hadn’t been waiting for me in that field.” 

The far too emotional conversation was interrupted by Mustard returning from the kitchen and heading straight for Dirk’s lap. It was a peaceful ending. Dirk may not have been ready to tell all, but that was okay. There would be time enough to unpack everything. For now they could just recover. 

“G’night, Dirk.” 

“‘Night, Todd.” Another moment of quiet. "You're my best friend too, you know.” 

"I know." 

**Author's Note:**

> this is a little messier than I would have liked and far more self-indulgent, but having promised I would write a follow-up, wrote it I did! hope it offers some level of catharsis :)


End file.
